[A version of this article first appeared as a post on my blog From the Front of the Choir]
Most of the people who come to my singing workshops are in their 50s and pretty much all of them have a story to tell about the time someone told them they couldn’t sing.
Many of the stories date back to when they were at primary or even infant school. What amazing power a throwaway remark like “Just stand at the back and mime” can have!
I’ve written before about how to protect yourself against unkind words about your singing (see One unkind word can put you off singing forever – how to protect yourself). But what if the damage has already been done?
This post is aimed more at those people (and teachers – it’s so often teachers) who tell people they can’t sing. I want them to realise how damaging it is and how a brief comment can last a lifetime.
Teachers and parents have an enormous responsibility since young children are so impressionable and take seriously any criticism levelled at them. When a young child is told they can’t sing, they believe that it must be true and simply stop trying to sing from then onwards.
If they’re lucky, maybe 40 or 50 years later they might have an opportunity to challenge this view and re-discover the joys of singing. But some people aren’t so lucky.
There are a variety of reasons, but usually it says more about the person making the criticism than the person singing.
Someone came to a singing day of mine recently and told me a story about how they’d been put off singing in adulthood.
This person taught at a school which had a lively music department. They loved to sing whilst they worked because they loved singing and it made them happy. One day the head of music asked them to stop: “You can’t sing. You’re a bad role model for our students.”
From then on they didn’t sing at school and soon stopped even singing in the car or at home. In fact they gave up singing completely. It was only many years later that they stumbled nervously into a singing workshop and had their love of singing re-awakened.
This person had been deeply affected in their late 40s. Unkind comments can wound even adults.
I find it appalling that even in this day and age teachers are still refusing to let kids sing in the school choir and still telling them to stand at the back and mime “because they can’t sing”.
There are many ways to say the same thing, and just because you don’t use the exact words “you can’t sing” doesn’t mean that what you say is any less damaging.
... and so on.
There are no excuses. Never tell someone they can’t sing. It is brutal, damaging and untrue.
If you can’t handle your own inadequacies, then find someone else who can help your ‘non singer’. Otherwise you are in danger of turning somebody off music for life.
As they say on TV: “If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article” you might like to read these other posts.
One unkind word can put you off singing forever – how to protect yourself
“Everyone can sing” – what the hell does that mean??!!
Are you tone deaf? Very unlikely
Help! How to deal with choir members who sing out of tune
Singing out of tune isn’t always a bad thing
Why can’t I sing?
If you’ve had a bad experience in the past and have been (wrongly) led to believe that you can’t sing, then look on the website of the Natural Voice Network and you’ll find choirs and workshops throughout the UK and beyond who share the ethos that everyone can sing and that singing is our birth right.
Our work aims to counteract these bad experiences and give people confidence in their voices by providing them with a supportive learning environment and a suitable repertoire.
Chris Rowbury
website: chrisrowbury.com
blog: blog.chrisrowbury.com
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